What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

Uncomfortable Remarks During Fertility Struggles

Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, faced painful comments from colleagues shortly after her third miscarriage. Returning to work as a receptionist, she recalls two managers—whom she believed were aware of her emotional state—making remarks that stung. One female manager remarked,

“At least you were early in your pregnancy.”

while a male colleague criticized her appearance, saying,

“You don’t look presentable enough for the reception desk.”

Vicky, who began trying for a baby in 2020, says the comments left her in shock and prompted her to resign. Her experience reflects a common challenge: well-intentioned but misguided words from friends and family during the journey to conceive.

Comments That Cut Deep

Friends and family often offer phrases like,

“It’ll be your turn soon,”

or

“Just hold on to hope,”

which can feel dismissive. Vicky emphasizes that while these remarks aim to comfort, they can intensify the pain during difficult times. Her story is echoed by others, including Kay, 33, from Manchester, who shared her experience in a Woman’s Hour segment. Kay recalls a close relative saying,

“A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic.”

She notes that such comments, though not always meant to hurt, often come across as insensitive.

Statistics and Emotional Impact

Infertility affects a significant number of couples, with the NHS reporting that roughly one in seven experience difficulty conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 IVF cycles were conducted in the UK, involving the fertilization of eggs in a lab and subsequent embryo transfer to the uterus. Yet, those undergoing fertility treatments often find the topic challenging to discuss. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS waiting list for IVF, initially hesitated to share her struggles. She describes a feeling of embarrassment, as the body’s ability to conceive is often seen as a natural process, making the inability to do so feel like personal failure.

Cultural Pressures and Isolation

For Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, the pressure to conceive quickly is heightened in some South Asian communities. She says women who delay pregnancy face relentless questioning about their “womanliness,” with relatives often blaming them for career choices or not marrying early enough. Asiya withdrew from social circles during her struggle, missing out on gatherings and even her own social life. She notes that seeking help is sometimes viewed as a sign of weakness, adding to the emotional burden.

Expert Advice for Support

According to Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), infertility and its treatments can take a heavy emotional toll. She explains,

“The process is a roller coaster, and the days of waiting for a period or an embryo transfer are particularly tough.”

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that support doesn’t always come from the usual circles. She recommends connecting with IVF teams or counselors, who can provide tailored guidance. BBC News highlights that individuals undergoing infertility should communicate their specific needs, as support preferences vary.

Meaningful Gestures, Big or Small

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shares a contrasting experience. Her friends and family provided unwavering support after her miscarriages, including visits, food, and flowers. They also gifted her and her husband restaurant vouchers to help them unwind. Even small acts, like receiving a text acknowledging her feelings, made a difference. Elena’s parents and husband surprised her with flowers for Mother’s Day, showing that thoughtful gestures can alleviate the stress of fertility challenges.