The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
At the youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, a vibrant felt-tip sign taped to a private room reads “GIRLS ONLY” and “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], with a playful twist: “don’t worry boys!”. The board is adorned with glittering hearts and stars, a whimsical backdrop to a lively group of girls engaged in a spirited card game. When I joined them at a large round table, their chatter was already flowing as freely as the pizza that was soon ordered. This visit was part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls, which involved conversations with approximately 150 young women, most aged 13 to 17. The discussions at that table mirrored many of the themes from those interviews.
The girls exuded charm and sharp wit, their voices brimming with ambition, friendship, and a clear sense of responsibility. They spoke of future plans—”I want a fridge that can hold a vase and become a doctor!”—and the unshakable bond with their friends, “I can confide in her about anything.” There was also a deep awareness of family care, such as “I go to town to top up my Nan’s electric. I love looking after her.” The conversation leapt between school tensions, social media trends, and debates about the fairness of Cheese Feast pizza slices. Despite the chaos, the girls’ energy was undeniable.
Following About The Boys, where I spoke to teenage males across the UK, this project felt like a natural continuation. Amid the backdrop of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and the rise of Andrew Tate, I was eager to explore how girls viewed themselves. Their insights were thoughtful and articulate, revealing a subtle yet persistent pattern: they often defined their identities through the behavior of boys. This trend was striking, as it echoed across all conversations, even when they were discussing their own experiences.
A gendered lens that won’t fade
When I posed the question, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” the answers consistently began with how boys perceived or acted toward them. “Well boys think/say/want/feel…” became an automatic refrain. This pattern reminded me of the Bechdel Test—a measure for films where two named women discuss something unrelated to men. None of the girls’ interviews met that standard, as their reflections centered on the male gaze.
“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating,” shared one participant.
Alison Harbor, the youth center manager, observed that the girls had been “as vocal as the boys.” While she noted their usual tendency to internalize struggles, the session revealed a surprising openness. Yet, the irony was that they described their behavior as distinct in mixed company—刻意 avoiding labels like “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird” to stay appealing. Boys, they said, could be loud and funny, but girls had to temper their voices.
“There is certainly a pressure we heard from young women around that—really translating into they need to be polite and respectful,” explained Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a psychology of education lecturer at the Manchester Institute of Education.
Girls spoke of shrinking in social settings, trying to be “smaller and quieter” to avoid being seen as overly assertive. Teachers noted their habit of “keeping their heads down” and “not making a fuss,” a subtle but significant shift in how they navigate the world. Despite the progress, the dynamic of defining oneself through a male lens remains deeply entrenched, shaping how girls perceive their own worth and actions.
